Absinthe Barbie

absinthebarbie @ 2008-02-06T09:34:00

2008-02-06T08:52:30Z

I'm so sick right now. I keep on sneezing all the time. I've been awake for 1,5 hours, and I've been sneezing 19 times already (yes, I'm counting!). That's...like so many per hour. You do the math.

Oh, look what I baked yesterday. Well, actually mom baked them, I just filled and pimped them. It's a swedish thing, called "semla". They're yummy, and look! I made hearts on them.

Now I'm going to school soon,
so I have to get ready.

CIAO

She's back in business

2008-02-04T10:17:14Z

It's been a while since I last posted anything here, 6:th december to be more precise. I've been reading all your journals though, like the sneaky stalker that I am. So what have I been up to? (I know you want to know..ehe). Well, I've been quite busy with school, I've started to practise driving (I almost crashed into our garage - yay, go me!), and I'm working out a lot. I've started a stretching project for school, so I'm supposed to be able to do splits within 10 weeks, and I've played lots and lots of guitar. I'm totally over the dude now, I'm growing and I'm actually happy for the first time in... a very long time.

Yesterday I recorded myself singing, cause a friend wanted to hear it. I'm learning "carry you home" by James Blunt, I love that song. I can't play it very well yet, though, so this is just a very short part of the song. Oh I've also learned "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat, and that one probably sounds better, cause I know the whole song and how to play it.

Here you goooo..

Pardon my very sucky guitar skills, I HAVEN'T LEARNED IT YET OK?
Anyway, I've got no school today and tomorrow. So I'm just sitting here, being the awesome person that I am. I've caught a cold though, that's less awesome.

I'm going to cuddle my babies soon (the rats, Boo and Little foot), and do some animal testing and experiments on them (rat boot camp ftw). Well, it's not as awful as it sounds. I'm just going to try to learn them to run through my assault course. And they get cucumber!

Maybe I'll try to write more here. I don't knooow, we'll see.
Now I'm going check the mail and then assault my rats.
(You heard me).

BYYYYYYYYYYYE
<3

Lilla ego, sitt still

2007-12-06T21:15:12Z

Snälla Du, förlåt mig
Jag glömde vem Jag var
snälla sluta lyssna
Glöm allt Jag sa,
Jag mår bra
Du måste lämna mig i fred

Gah

2007-11-05T19:47:28Z

Just when I started to feel good again, something bad happened. I just want to erase saturday night, or go back and change it. I'm tired too. And snow came for the second time. I hate snow. This isn't even proper snow, it's a poor slushy excuse that makes your socks soggy and gives you an annoying squelch when you walk.

I just want me and my friends to be happy.
I don't want anymore drama or accidents or mistakes.
I don't want to regret things and I don't want to be seized with dread and anxiety
all the time. There's always something bad in my life.
I just want to live.

Is that too much to ask for?

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There’s always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

My name is golden

2007-11-01T12:56:28Z

My name is golden, but you call me pale.
Your heart will never let me in.
I know you curse, but smile inside when I fail.
Your jealousy is kept within.
No matter how good I play,
you only focus on the blunders I say.

Yeah, I remain the same.
You hate me cause I'm strange,
but I remain the same and I will not change.

I'm feeling good right now. And it feels so nice to say that, cause I do - for the first time in such a long, long time. I feel good, yay. And I know I'll feel even better. I've set up lots of goals I want to achieve, and I will do that too... because now I can focus on myself. I won’t give a shit about them anymore, I don't care about them - I don't even think about them anymore. My name is golden, but you call me pale. I don't care what they say about me anymore, I won't change myself for them again and I won't act like they expect me to do. I'm gonna live for myself now, and I'm gonna be the bestest me ever. A new, improved super version of me.

Tomorrow we’re going out, and I’m going to dress like a witch. Yep! This is my costume. I can’t wait…! :D

Thank you

2007-10-27T19:37:59Z

Thank you Jess and Lisa for helping me to move on, helping me forget and for helping to stand again. I always forget when I'm with you, and I'm so thankful for that. I had an awesome evening/night yesterday, I didn't even think about him once. And I'm gonna stop doing that from now on, and try to start to live again. These are the best years of my life and I don't want to waste them on crying for some guy who's not crying over me. I'll try not to, anyway. I still feel nauseous all the time though, and I can't really eat... oh well.

I met the cutest guy yesterday, and he seemed to like me too. He was dancing with me all the time anyway, and he lookeed just like...Mika + Heath Ledger (=awesome combination). But then he just disappeared.. Maybe he was just someone i made up in my head? :P
Oh no. Jess and Lisa saw him too, and he was so cute.

When the weight of all the world's gone wrong

2007-10-24T16:20:38Z

I hate the fact that I go to the same school as him, in the same class. I hate that I have to see him and my so called "friend" (I hate you, fucking liar, thanks for making everything worse) each and every lesson. It hurts so much, I can't even breathe. When they walk into the room, it's just as if someone puncture my lungs and I start to gasp for air. My chest grows so tight that my lungs feels constricted, I just die inside. It feels like I have the weight of all the world on my shoulders, pressing me down. This must be how a deep-sea diver feel in a pressure suit with a kingdom of water overhead. Weighed down, in complete darkness. The only difference is the fact that I'm running out of oxygen.
I can't breathe.

This isn't happening, happening, happening, happening, happening.
It is.

Angel cards

2007-10-24T06:19:49Z

I'm going through some tough shit right now, and I think I've never felt as miserable as I'm doing right now in my entire life. I almost cry when I wake up, I cry before I go to sleep and I cry when I get home from school. Things got even worse yesterday, I thought it wasn't possible since friday was the friday from hell. There's just no ending, it keeps getting worse. Everything is completely black right now, and I can't see any light whatsoever. So I asked the angel cards, I think I needed some hope. And this is what i got.

Will I heal from this condition?
1. Past issue about health
CARESSA
"You are at the end of a cycle in your life. Call upon your angels to comfort you, and guide you to your next step. Happiness awaits you now."

You may feel sad, as if your heart is breaking, as a result of this ending. Allow yourself to cry and grieve, but know that we angels are near you right now. When you are ready, we will gently show you how this ending brings new blessings into your life. But for now, the sadness that you feel may reveal new insights to you. It might inspire you to finish a project where you have been procrastinating, or to take better care of yourself, for example.
"It is important for you to express your feelings during this time of transition. Either keep a journal, talk to trusted friends, join a support group, or discuss everything with us angels. The more that you can release, the freer that you will feel. Watch out for self-destructive tendencies, which can arise from misguided guilt. I will help you take excellent care of yourself during this transition if you will call upon me. Whenever you need a hug, just ask, and you will feel me envelop you with my wings."

This card means alot to me. It's so accurate.

2. Present issue about health
ARCHANGEL RAPHAEL
"I am helping you heal physical challenges in yourself and others. You are a healer, like me."

3. Angels guidance about healing
RAYE
"Yoga and exercise are essential to your well-being, peace of mind, and spiritual growth right now."

4. What you're still learning
ISAIAH
"It's a good time to give birth to new ideas and situations in your life. I am watching over you, guiding you, and protecting you during these changes."

The card also said that my life changes are inevitable, and there is no turning back. "Instead of playing it safe, you decided to move forward".

5. The lesson within this situation
ROSETTA
"You have a gift for working with young people, and your Divine purpose involves helping, teaching, or parenting children"

This cards makes no sense to me. I can't see why that would be the lesson?

6. The outcome, based on current conditions
OCEANA
"Take action. You're in touch with your truth in this situation, and you need to trust your gut and lovingly assert yourself."

"You can trust your feelings on this one", "You already know what to do about this situation, you have made your mind up to take action" etc. etc. This card was very accurate to.

Everything means something to me, except the lesson-card. I don't understand why I got that card.
I just hope I'll be ok.
Right now I'm definitely not, I hate every single day.
I don't want my life to be like this :(

Breathe me

2007-10-20T16:26:16Z

Yesterday was fun, but some bad things happened and I feel kinda shitty today. I regret so much. Why am I always doing stupid things? I suck.

Anyway, a pic of me and Lisa from yesterday. Frank took it with his phone, that's why it's so blurry. I love Lisas PINK cowboy hat!

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere else to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

You always save me from myself

2007-10-14T12:17:59Z

I know, I suck. I never write here, but you're not missing out on any awesome details of my interesting life, really. This friday was nice though, me and Angelica were watching a movie. After the movie, we had nothing to do, so we decided to go into town. First we thought we would try to get into the club/pub, but we changed our mind later. Anyway, we went into town from her house (me in heels, hells yeah) and drank ourselves tipsy. It was so disgusting, I hate beer. But i forced myself to drink it anyway. Then we went home to HIM. He had some friends over, and we went there too, just to say hi. We're just..so weird, me and him. Now it seems as if he's "back" again, not completely, but we can't keep our hands off eachother. We all played hide-and-seek in his basement. It was completely dark and he kissed me. Many times. It was so cold there, and I stood there hugging him. He's always warm. I never wanted to let go, I love his warm hands. I hugged him so tight and just tried to suck everything in. His smell, his warm body. It brought memories back, because it was there we kissed for the first time. I've missed him so fucking much, it tears my heart apart. I didn't know if I was happy or if I wanted to cry. I think I was happy. Because he cared, and he showed it. But it's always in the dark, where no one can see, and nobody knows. They're all around us, but they don't see anything. And they have no idea, they dont know, about us.

Yesterday we had some family over, since it's me and jess' birthday soon. It was nice. Me and Lisette also had a photoshoot with one of my rats.

Don't ask me why I'm crying
'cause when I start to crumble you know how to keep me smiling
You always save me from myself, from myself
You're gonna save me from myself

I know it's hard, its hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength, so strong
And don't ask me why I love you
It's obvious your tenderness is what I need to make me
A better woman to myself, to myself, myself
You're gonna save me from myself

Nose stud

2007-10-06T19:57:40Z

Oh, look!

Monday

2007-10-01T09:40:35Z

I haven't written anything here for quite a long time now..I just don't know what to write. I've got nothing funny to tell, no news, nothing. Hm. Today I've got no school, yay. I've been out running (it started to rain, I got ALL wet. Brr.) and now I'm eating lunch. I'll go into Umeå later to see if I can find a present for Jess, and I'll also play flute. Exciting, exciting. noot.

My entries are boring. Either I write about how the day sucked, or how I've been working out/running. That's so..boring. I need to get a life.

Keep it loose, keep it tight

2007-09-29T17:32:08Z

And sometimes we forget what we got
Who we are,
And who we are not
I think we got a chance to make it right
Keep it loose
Keep it tight
Keep it tight

I’m in love with a girl who’s in love with the world
and I can’t help but follow
though I know someday she is bound to go away
and stay over the rainbow
gotta learn how to let her go
over the rainbow

Sometimes we forget who we got
who they are
and who they are not
There is so much more in love than black and white
Keep it loose child
Gotta keep it tight
Keep it loose child
Keep it tight
Keep it tight

absinthebarbie @ 2007-09-20T19:31:00

2007-09-20T17:32:06Z

This day sucked too.

Crap

2007-09-19T19:56:51Z

I hated today, it was awful.

HELP ME

2007-09-17T16:33:58Z

Which one would you choose?
Red or black?

PLZ help me!

So don’t leave me here with only mirrors watching me

2007-09-17T06:18:54Z

The fragile keep secrets, gathered in pockets
And they will sell them for nothing
A cheap watch or locket
That kind of gold washes off

It's raining outside, and it's going to be a long day. I'll have to wait for HOURS after school until my flute lesson begins, plus I have to walk for 40 minutes to get there. I'm not in a very happy mood. I went to bed at 21:00 yesterday, at least I'm not tired anyway. But I'm booored and I'm all drained. GIVE ME ENERGY. And some sunshine please. Oh, and a nice car, a hot boyfriend and..would you finish all my homeworks and projects for school too? Thanks.

Drop dead gorgeous

2007-09-16T16:41:44Z

I'm so hot, I can't believe it.
I look just like the winner of a genetic lottery or something.

Dream

2007-09-16T05:11:09Z

I had a really strange dream.
I was crying like a baby, because I thought I stepped on a POPCORN,
but it was a fly. CRACK. The fly died. I cried.

Now I'm going to paddle canoe with my class.
Yay. And Angelica isn't coming.
(Surprise, surprise)

Cut cut.

Babies

2007-09-13T06:11:04Z

I've bought the rats now, my babies. I'm still a little scared, but I think I'll get used to them. Their poo smells like..yuk. And one of them bit me. They're also going to ruin me, because they eat 10.000 kg of food every day. Apart from that, they're pretty cool.

I'm not 100% sure of their names though, Jess want to name one of them "Charlie". The other one is more shy and fast. I might name him Slinky, after the dog in Toy Story.
Do you have any suggestions?

This is what they look like:

Feeling good

2007-09-10T06:27:00Z

Monday morning, again! I woke up early today, and it wasn't because anything or anyone woke me up. That's such a nice feeling, alert instead of sleepwalking. Today I'm also wearing jeans for the first time in...months. I've been using loose, comfortable training suits for toooooo long now. I feel so ...fancy today. And I had forgotten how much happier you feel when "dressing up" a little. I'm totally going to use jeans every day now. Today I'm going to work out at the lunch break again, yay. Feels nice. I'm working out every day now, except friday I think, and it feels so...GOOOOOOD. I love it. My physical education teacher also told me that we wont have any lesson this afternoon, so I'll leave school earlier today. Then I'm probably going to visit guy #2, to look at his new cat. It's actually a kitten. And then Im going to Jess and Lisa's school, to play flute and then I'm going hooome!

Have a nice day everyone!
X

Somewhere over the rainbow

2007-09-09T10:11:52Z

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
Pheew. I just came in, been out running. I'm all exhausted. Worn out. Whacked. It felt as if I was going to die and throw up blood at the same time, and I love that feeling. Seriously, it's the most awesome feeling ever. I've also tried to contact a person I'm going to buy a cage (for my rats) from, but the person wont answer my calls. Poo! Now I'm going to take a shower. OH OH OH - now the person called. I'm going to get the cage today! WOOHO. Yay, happiness. Today we're also going to order all the new furniture from IKEA, so I'll get them within 10 days or something :D Awesomeness.

Peace out

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Back in the old days

2007-09-07T20:57:53Z

I found some old pictures on the computer.
I really miss the old times...

Reaching for something in the distance

2007-09-06T06:28:49Z

I believe writing an entry every morning, at school, is becoming a habit. Maybe not a bad one, at least I'm keeping myself busy and away from staring contests with the wall. And I know this is going to be a good day, I've got two lessons - pleasant ones, no sucking-out-all-of-my-energy-and-zest-leaving-me-like-a-stinky-pile-of-poop-lessons. And I'll go work out, again, in between the two of them. After school, I'll probably get home and take a long walk with Mr Fluffy (Chivas, that is), since my last lesson will finish at 13:20. Grrrreat.

Oh and one more great, awesome thing is that I'm 99% sure that my PA100 was accepted. That means I'll get to write about Behaviorism and psychology. AND I'll have to go get some RATS for my experiment. It sounds worse than it is, I'm not going to plague them or anything. I'm going to try Skinners experiment, learning them to get through an assault course when hearing a starting signal. Isn't that great? My project for school is an excuse to get pets. I've already decided their names, Dr Pie and Mr Snuggles. MY BABIES. I love them already!

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
<3

Evening of doom

2007-09-05T10:49:25Z

I found some pictures from a party me, Jess, Lisa and Angelica were invited to before. It was really nice, at the beginning, as you maybe can tell from the pictures. But then someone stole my phone. It was the evening of doooooom!

Oh and we're not drinking Sprite. It's Vodka.
Yum!